So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i think i just lost a toe
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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