I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
