Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
