i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
