My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
