Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
