hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
