it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
