Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
