I cannot find my penis.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
