he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
