Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
