I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
