I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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