how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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