she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
