dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
