bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
