I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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