She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize