using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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