i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
