I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
