Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
