Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
