Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The best revenge is premature balding
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
