take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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