Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
