So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
