I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
