I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
it was like having sex with a tree stump
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
