im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
