don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
