Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
All I want is dick and wine.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
