I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
