I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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