I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
