I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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