I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
