put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
