whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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