I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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