I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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