i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
