meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
