oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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