Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
