All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just want nice things and good sex
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
