I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize