Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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