I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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