Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
