I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
