You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
