She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
