my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
