The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
