My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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