do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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